About a month ago, I took a long break from work while dealing with a mental health crisis. During this time, and in the ensuing days following my return to work, I became more aware of the issues I face and have been facing my entire life. It’s weird but, despite all of the issues I’ve been having, a lot of pieces have been falling into place lately concerning my mental state. Some are more obvious than others, but it’s comforting to finally understand the way I’ve been acting of late. I feel like I’m finally beginning to understand myself, albeit 27 years in.
For those who need a catch up, I’ve been suffering depression for the last ten years. It was most prominently noticed after I finished up in High School and moved onto my fruitless venture at University. For the longest time, it felt as though I’d always be this way: a sad, antisocial gremlin who spent more time playing video games than he would actually connecting with the world around him. I’d try numerous ventures to perhaps start to build a foundation for my social life. However, whether through jobs, college courses, conventions or whatever other social situations I inserted myself into, I always found it very difficult to co-exist and connect with those around me and, more often than not, often led to further feelings of depression and anxiety. My mental state notably cost me my first full-time job and, were it not for intervention, my current job also. For the longest time, I blamed myself for my condition. I figured if other people can talk freely, make jokes and connect so easily, why can’t I? It was frustrating and led to no end of disappointment in myself.
Then everything broke.
After numerous visits to the doctors over the years, I was finally diagnosed (provisionally) with Depression and Social Anxiety. I was also given some time off work to recover and seek medical assistance to help understand my current condition and, where possible, work to resolve them in a medical setting. After some visits to psychiatrists and counsellors, I was suddenly presented with some information that I hadn’t honestly considered up until now.
Autism.
The hallmarks of autism, or more specifically Autism Spectrum Disorder, include difficulties in communicating, issues connecting with others and difficulties brought on through the overstimulation of senses. In an instant, despite everything I knew about myself before then, everything started to make sense. I wasn’t anti-social, my mental make-up simply prevented me from desiring social activity. My difficulties speaking to people weren’t just latent shyness but because I experience difficulties connecting with people or understanding the minutia or subtext of speech. I was just different the whole time.
It took one visit to a psychiatrist to finally understand nearly 20 years of my own social interactions. It was not only comforting but also liberating to finally know what was upsetting me all these years. I had a new identity. A new chance to understand and anticipate my own quirks in a better, positive light.
The only problem was that it wasn’t that simple.
While I am more comfortable with my new identity now, at the time of discovery my mood was very different. Instead of understanding myself, I soon began distrusting myself. If this is who I actually am, then how could I trust my own thoughts? What if this condition was influencing more than simply my anxiety and mood? Were the decisions I made in the past a result of my spectrum disorder? Can all of my faults truly be blamed on this? Could all of my successes likewise be attributed to this condition?
These may seem like silly questions now but, at the time, it really stumped me. It’s clear that I do not know as much as I’d like to about this condition and I am still looking into this as I move forward. Despite all of this, the difficulties and struggles I face every day, I am glad to know that I may have this condition.
This is because, now, I’m onto me and my antics.
I began to observe my quirks and my likes and dislikes with more scrutiny. I dislike busy crowds; I dislike people speaking loudly near me; I notice sounds and patterns that others don’t. Things like this I can now more readily rely on and identify for future encounters. It also helps me come to terms with my condition and be less disappointed with myself for feeling the way that I do. In a way, I feel like it’s lifted a load off my mind knowing my condition is how it is. It doesn’t make my life or, indeed, the things that troubled me before any easier but it helps me to come to terms with these conditions and more readily understand how to deal with these quirks, even if it is avoiding them altogether.
Throughout all of this, though, the most joy I’ve felt came from the outpouring of support from my friends, my colleagues and my family. When I first posted about my condition, I received personal consolation from a cavalcade of current friends, old acquaintances and even people I hadn’t spoken to in almost a decade. The words of support, reassurance and comfort warmed my heart to no end and I am forever grateful for having known these people. I know that, despite my current predicament, I am indeed loved by a great number of people and that is indisputable, even to a mind that second-guesses nearly every decision I’ve made.
I know that I have a long way to go before things smooth out to the levels of normalcy that my life can ever expect to bring me, but my path is set out in front of me and, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know the path I’m walking on. I may not know where it is leading or for how long it runs, but I’m at least watching out for potholes along the way. It feels like I’ve been given a second chance and I’m going to use that to the best of my ability.
Just you watch.
EDOOWINNIE 